Diary. June 5, 2018—-I have that pit in your stomach anxiety.
That feeling is related to a photo I posted on Instagram earlier this morning.
She was brave and strong and broken all at once. —Anna Funder
I took the above photo back in 2013 while going through chemotherapy.
Objectively speaking and from a photography perspective, I think it’s a good image.
In fact, It was the artist and documentarian in me that posted it.
But now, the woman and survivor in me is feeling vulnerable. I’m even somewhat embarrassed by it.
Why? I’m at my worst in this picture. Why in the world would I want to post it for all to see?
And what about my family? I wonder if it makes them feel bad to have to remedy it all. Will it change how others see me? My feelings about it is confusing to me.
I’m all about truth telling. I’m also the person who prides herself in gladly taking these kind of photos for other people. I do so with a sense of pride and honor.
I think what I’m feeling has to more to do with vulnerability than embarrassment. I keep reminding myself that so many other survivors do this. So it’s not like I’ve done anything that’s never been done before.
But still, my stomach is telling me otherwise.
The key note on this is that there are no rules, expectations or standards on how to proceed after an illness like cancer.
It’s up to each individual. So I think the best thing to do is to just wait and see how I feel tomorrow.
I’m feeling tired now so I’ll leave it at that for now.
ps. my toe keeps twitching.