Diary. June 5, 2018—-I have that pit in your stomach anxiety.
That feeling is related to a photo I posted on Instagram earlier this morning.
She was brave and strong and broken all at once. —Anna Funder
I took the above photo back in 2013 while going through chemotherapy.
Objectively speaking and from a photography perspective, I think it’s a good image.
In fact, It was the artist and documentarian in me that posted it.
But now, the woman and survivor in me is feeling vulnerable. I’m even somewhat embarrassed by it.
Why? I’m at my worst in this picture. Why in the world would I want to post it for all to see?
And what about my family? I wonder if it makes them feel bad to have to remedy it all. Will it change how others see me? My feelings about it is confusing to me.
I’m all about truth telling. I’m also the person who prides herself in gladly taking these kind of photos for other people. I do so with a sense of pride and honor.
I think what I’m feeling has to more to do with vulnerability than embarrassment. I keep reminding myself that so many other survivors do this. So it’s not like I’ve done anything that’s never been done before.
But still, my stomach is telling me otherwise.
The key note on this is that there are no rules, expectations or standards on how to proceed after an illness like cancer.
It’s up to each individual. So I think the best thing to do is to just wait and see how I feel tomorrow.
I’m feeling tired now so I’ll leave it at that for now.
ps. my toe keeps twitching.
I have my pet peeves. There’s no doubt about. Last week, after doing a little grocery shopping, I was headed to my car when I noticed this parking situation.
Granted, neither of these cars belong to me. Still, why in the world do people park this close? Look at the lines on the ground. Could that truck be parked any worse (insert eye roll).
As if I wasn’t already annoyed, I came across this wandering shopping cart.
While this isn’t my car either, a few weeks ago–and although I parked so far away from the store it may as well have been in Egypt–I returned to find a ding in my door.
I guarantee you it’s because someone with a lack of respect for other peoples things parked too close to my car, or they just let their cart wander off without any regard for others.
The moral of the story; treat others the way you want to be treated…please?